Here, in the land of the miserable and sick, that light at the end of the tunnel takes many forms. All of them, are predicated on Hope.
Mom and I are planning Thanksgiving at a huge fancy hotel. We have rented the Presidential Suite aka, the two story palace that normal people would never even bother trying to see the inside of. Dinner will be brought in. Friends are being called. It is the next iteration in a long and exhausting line of Things To Look Forward To.
It is a plan that requires a great deal of Hope. Hope that we are all here in two months. Hope that she can make the trip. hope that we all remember it well. Hope that the money-conscious among us understand that there is Nothing I wouldn't do to make my mother's last days as spectacular as I can. Hope that I don't forget the lessons inherent in the process of helping mom say goodbye...namely, that this is all there is.
If I have any sense of what life is about after so much loss it is this... There is only today. There are loops and curve balls and tidal waves of loss. money won't shield you from pain although it helps. It isn't worth trading all your time for though. Family is real but not a promise of love or fidelity or right action. You have to appreciate people at their best and forgive them for their worst. There is only so much control we have in this world...that is to say...None. Given that we are small and battered by life's forces and spinning and gravity and disaster then there is no reason at all to put off that trip to Europe or to choose sleep over sex or to drink cheap wine... Except... part of building a life is the economics of it. The sacrifices that lead to other rewards. The people and experiences that become part of the larger whole...the community you build by staying put, by putting in time and effort for things that do not bring immediate gratification.
These little sacrifices expand us from the inside, even as they make our world seem smaller.
Jasper and I have not left the house for more than 20 minutes at a stretch in almost four months. I rarely leave Mom's room. Our families occupy most of our energy, thoughts and spiritual space. Our tiny microcosm of life and Death, is a whole universe for the time being. The world gets smaller, the people in it dwindle to a select few who show up, over and over again. Inside though, cosmos are exploding. Galaxies are being born. Inside everything expands and everything becomes clear...
We. Are. Infinite.
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