Surreal Scrabble

Mom died three days ago.

I have to say it that way because right now, it still isn't real.

I'm wandering around, making arrangements and phone calls. Hoping nothing important falls through the cracks more than it already has. The money wasn't where it was supposed to be so it's a lot of scramble, hope, pray and defer jobs on my to do list. it is an exercise in prioritizing I tell myself. It is forcing me to do things like plan her service instead of pay off her bills. It is better this way. It's just harder to hide from what has happened. It's harder to shift focus from how empty my insides are.

What I can do Right Now involves a lot of emotional hurdles. Thank god for Jasper and Taryn. They are cleaning out areas and throwing away broken plates and putting things in front of me to sort so I don't have to actually Start a project that in any way involves loosing even the smallest bit of what I have left of my parents. They are angels on this earth. Leroy too has shown up in a way that makes me feel like somehow, it will all be okay in the end. Melissa is still reeling, but present and I know she will lend a hand as well. The last thing I said to my mom before she died was that we would all take care of each other. It's a promise that we have all tacitly agreed to keep.

Despite the ever growing to do list, we are all just sitting around, glad to be home. Playing out our sibling lives. Loving our spouses. Trying to comfort the cats. Trying to wrap our heads around the fact that the two most important people in our lives...the only two people who ever guaranteed us unconditional love and acceptance... are gone. The world is colder and lonelier and scarier than ever. We have all been huddled together around the warmth of the big screen TV in mom's room, sitting in piles of her pillows and swaddled in her snuggies watching comedy after comedy and trying not to let it sink in just yet.

Jasper built an altar in front of mom's card wall with mom and dad on it. It has a baseball and a Buddha and mom's favorite stones and a couple of candles. It strikes me that if no else moves it I could leave it there forever.

I have nightmares about evil cats and disappointed babies. I wake up sweating thinking about money and how much I love our home and don't want to leave it. I am wearing mom's purple snuggie and eating cheese and have gotten fat from grief and a lack of will. Jasper made fish and I cooked cauliflower last night and I realized I hadn't eaten a vegetable in weeks. I miss my mom.

The funeral home was a nightmare of cardboard boxes with faux metal handles and tacky memorials and a grinning guy who needed a check more than he needed to learn our names.

The trip to the cemetery to arrange for placement was an adventure in inappropriate. As we walked in we were greeted by the sight of a red-haired woman on the telephone who finished talking for several minutes before acknowledging us. Behind her was a tasteless joke flyer with the words "Try Before You Buy" scrawled across a cartoon coffin. She wore a skating rink on her ring finger and kept twisting it and tapping her nails while she walked us through the process. "Only 17 characters per line...that includes commas!" she admonished as we tried to figure out how to sum up our mother in four short lines. "I didn't come here to play scrabble...we need a minute" was out of my mouth before I knew it.

Shit.

I did it again.

I am too raw for the world right now. Then, just as I was starting to feel bad about my whispered outburst, I noticed that the woman was tapping her nails along to...swear to god...wait for it... "Only The Good Die Young." Seriously. Couldn't make that up. We giggled uncomfortably and mentioned it. She got a little sweeter... but didn't turn it down. We made arrangements and headed home, back to the safe glow of late night comedy and distressing phone calls and oh yeah...phone calls.

We have received four. Total. 2 uncles and 2 cousins. And 1 email.

Nothing from mom's sisters.

Friends, thankfully, have just shown up. Or texted. Still, in spite of ourselves we can't help but wonder exactly what will be left once the dust settles. At this point, it feels hopeless to try and direct the flow of events. We are all just clinging to what little life rafts come our way and preparing for a life adrift.