Iris' only make me think of my mother. Eucalyptus..my dad. I put both at their grave on holidays, birthdays, and on days when Trader Joe's had a flower sale. I plan on tattooing both on my right arm along with lilies for my grandma, a red rose for grandpa, white orchids for Greg and tiger lilies for Leslie. It's a lot of loss to look at every day, and I want it to be pretty.
Things have changed. Healed. Stayed scarred. What matters most is more internal now. It's as if losing all of my anchors forced me to become my own weight in the world. Oddly enough, it's the best I think I've ever felt. I am not afraid to be alone. I can eat by myself without texting everyone in my phone book.
I don't keep busy. I don't clean the house every week. Sometimes I let the dishes pile up. I leave the house without make-up on. I don't worry about who sees me...I like what they are looking at.
I don't return most phone calls. I stopped writing letters back when I'm too busy. I don't do people favors and they get mad when they don't appreciate it. I just don't do them in the first place. I don't resent not being in charge 100% of the time. I still like to be the boss though.
I eat what I want. I still feel guilty after...but I do it anyways. My hair is long and red again. Like when I was 15. I'm all curves. It's been years since I could count my abs. I still want those back. but not enough to be hungry or sweat it out in the rain when it's 32 degrees outside. I have acknowledged my deep and abiding hatred for gyms that don't look like spas. I live in the same house I grew up in, and have stopped telling people where I'm headed next.
I met most of my heroes from when I was young and met most of my teenaged self's goals. I have new goals. I care less when I don't win. I still like to win though.
I love being in a strong marriage and grateful for it every day, although I wish it was legal in my home state. I am planning a wedding anyway. I can't afford anything fancy and am struggling to accept that It might not be perfect. I seem to have downgraded from Type A to Type B+. I'm happy about it.
I cook. All the time. I read again. I work. Some days are good and others aren't. Little things matter less. Most things are little things. I get excited when something gets me excited. I have less desire to breed and a bigger wanderlust than ever before. I want to see Africa soon. And Tokyo. And Greece. And maybe Peru.
I still want more money. I have more straight people who own beige everything in my life than I ever thought possible. And I genuinely like most of them. I feel like a grown-up. Real Age.com says that even though I'm 30 I'm really only 22. I think it's because I lied to the computer.
I don't pretend to like yoga anymore. I like stretching and it is totally different. I like yoga pants. I'm over the actual yoga though. There are lots of friends I let go of. I still love them. I just don't make any effort. The connection has been left to wither on the vine and disappear from lack of care. I'm suddenly comfortable throwing stuff away. I donate things. Often. I have less and worry as much as before. Which would indicate that I am a worrier...and that getting more won't help.
I still want to write a book. But know for a fact it won't happen this year. And I don't feel bad about that. I run the heater when I'm cold. I run again. When I run, I think of my mom. I am hopelessly in love with my very best friend and playmate in the whole entire world. Sometimes I still wonder what she sees in me. But I don't think she's going to leave. I don't think I will either. Not ever.
I feel lucky more than I feel like the universe has it in for me. Most of the time I am hopeful, bordering on content. Sometimes I wish for things I shouldn't want and feel bad about it. I don't worry about missing out when I stay in. I I don't miss New York. I want LA in my life more...but am not ready to move there just yet.
I love my family. I am learning to let go of being angry. I am still really angry at fewer and fewer people. I wish I could afford hypnosis to speed up the forgiveness process. I am finally old enough to understand why everyone was so worried about me as a kid.
Everything is uncertain and for once I am okay with it.
How I want it to be... is going to change this year... just like it always does. I am not keeping score.
My main resolutions this year include indulging. Like burning the expensive candles I buy instead of "saving" them. The same goes for drinking the good wine that is sitting in my pantry. And buying flowers for myself when I bring them to my folks.
They also include donating money to charity without thinking about stuff I wish I had. Spending my time in fulfilling ways. Running marathon #2 for the other parent I lost. Making Mau and Rawr real. Continuing to please myself first. Enjoying every day. Learning new cooking techniques. Taking a ballroom dance class to remember my grandparents who took each other dancing every Friday night their entire 80+ years. Working where I am, not wishing I was somewhere else. Traveling. Pulling together the fragments that are still scattered. Loving the people I love as hard and unapologetically as I can. Loving myself the same way.
As far as lessons learned and hopes for the future, this is the first year of my concious life that I have decided, for now, to just let it all be. There are hopes, and stuff was learned. And it is not going to move me forward in any meaningful way to make checklists out of my life.
For today at least... it was enough to just do a couple things I needed to do, then go for a run, drink coffee with cats and wait for J's smiling face to get home. Not bad 2012...not bad at all.
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